Resentment... This is a funny thing.
I've found that when I'm feeling resentment for someone its because they've done something that seriously hurt me. I memorialize the action or moment by never letting myself forget about what they did, therefore not letting myself get feel that way again. Where it gets interesting is that holding on to that memory causes me to feel the pain when I see their name, look at their picture, or any other way that I am reminded of that time. I feel the initial pain over and over again, to NOT let myself feel that way again....That is very contradictory. Why am I still mad at them for doing something I've been doing to myself only worse?
There is a situation in particular that I've been holding resentment for over the last couple of years. In thinking about this specific situation, I've learned that I am holding on to that moment as a license to feel ill about them. I am upset when I imagine they've gone on with their life and never stopped to care about what they did to me. I rip them apart in my head in the hopes I will feel better about their decision. After I've made them a broken and damaged person, maybe I can excuse their actions because then they may not have known better. When I see them gesturing kindness to someone else it angers me and my resentment gets the best of me. It challenges my minds justification for their actions and I am left with the truth, that I have no clue why they did what they did. Maybe they didn't care enough about me to think about how it would make me feel. The worse possibility being, they contentiously chose to make me to feel that way and they singled me out. Which is a huge trigger and something I had to cope with at a child.
Realizing that they triggered an emotionally traumatic experiences helps me to understand why I cannot let go. I must still be angry and affected by what happened to me as a kid. Thinking about that has actually shed light on other aspects of my life and relationships... But, that's for another blog. I have made the connection between the childhood scars and the moment in time. So, now its time to let go.
Lucky for me, I don't have to carry much burden of responsibility in this moment. At the time I hadn't done anything to directly cause the situation and after the fact I attempted to clarify their intentions, though I received no response. If I had done something to ignite or push this situation, then I may have needed to think about how I could have handled myself differently. If I never tried to clarify their intentions I would be more at fault for not trying to communicate my feeling, offering them an opportunity to explain themselves. But, this time its simple. An unfortunate situation that I feel I did mostly okay with, I discovered the childhood pain it triggered, and now its just time to let go.
But, how?
I have already removed myself from the situation and I acknowledged that the act or situation itself wasn't really what hurts. So, I just need to keep telling myself that when I feel my resentment coming on. I realize that they are not responsible for what happened when I was little and I am not going to allow them the opportunity to do that again, because we are not friends. So, its over. Time to let go.
I have been thinking and writing this blog for three days and I already feel more peaceful inside realizing what my true feelings are and why they hurt me so bad. So, yay. I hope I can find the understanding in other resentments too.
No comments:
Post a Comment