This past week I've been riding an emotional roller coaster. I'm happy to say that all of the situations that surfaced seem to be the kind that will come and go and only leave experience and knowledge in its wake.Unlike the kind that shake your existence and ask you to question your footing or purpose... Lucky me for that!
Regardless of the severity of the topics or moments, they came at a very sensitive time of the month and regardless of how small or large the situation, I've known myself to be incapable of controlling my thoughts and sometimes I have to take a second look at my actions and make amends. I'm proud to say that although the hormonal deposit has been more mild this session, I still have been very strong in controlling myself and how I've processed some of the information that had been presented. I see it as a bit of a test run for one of the more hormonally intense months... I am not perfect and I did have to make one apology. But, I see that as a vast improvement over the past.
Some of the days have had to numbed myself and other were a contentious challenge to not get too sideways with overwhelming thoughts. I had a few pep-talks with myself to remind myself that, I wasn't in the right state of mind to make any decisions. I remember when I was pregnant, I would tell myself to remember these thoughts or feelings and reassess them after the pregnancy, most of the thoughts changed after the hormones balanced out.
I am privileged to have friends who are also undergoing constant self analysis and they have shared some slogans for me to think about. The biggest of which that have helped me lately are, "What are my motives?" and "Am I saying what I feel or my fear?" I've found that when I'm emotional, I determine my opinions hastily, without allowing the time to process the situation. When I process something properly, I get to a less emotional place where I'm able to see all sides more clearly. If I was offended or mad, later I may find that the situation triggered an insecurity and really has nothing to do with the situation at hand, there for my initial reaction of backlash or correction would have been unfair and confusing to the other people involved, making the situation worse.
Patience is a real challenge in my life and I am constantly looking at my thoughts and checking my tongue to be sure it won't spill something harmful into an already complicated situation. It becomes extra challenging when you engage with people who don't have any filter and don't accept responsibility for themselves. It feels unfair that I try to control myself, but, have to accept someone else's emotional poison. In these moments and any other difficult time I try numb thoughts and actions. I just try to let my feelings run their course. Its very similar to the grieving process and it goes through very similar, if not the same stages; denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Sometimes it physically hurts to allow the full process to happen and it can take days or weeks to finish. That is without prolonging it with distraction or cushion from substances or enablers.
I'm not going to say that I made it through without delivering an apology. I did have to apologize for my action and once I did I felt much better about my mistake. Perfection is impossible. But, along with watching my treatment of others and how I engage in my life, I also need to rectify my actions, when need be. There's something inside of us called a continence. It makes us feel bad when we've done something against our morals. Sometimes pride and social cues get in the way of listening to our continence. But, I've made a personal promise to follow my guilt and offer my explanation to whomever I've hurt or wronged. Funny enough, its almost selfish because I feel a thousand times lighter correcting my actions, than carrying around my pride and guilt. I've also noticed others see my actions a permission to do the same. Its a really good thing, making amends. Its humbling and freeing.... I actually love myself a bit more every time I do it.
One word of advice given to me and something recite to myself daily, "You cannot control the way other people take or hear your words or actions." I try very hard to put my whole truth out there so that its 100% honest and I don't hold back. Its only fair, I didn't hold back when I made the mistake so, its only right to offer the same impact when doing good. It can be painful and difficult because not everyone can accept apologies, for whatever reason, may it be fear or their own guilt. Whatever the reason, it doesn't matter, I know I'm doing what is right. If someone does hurt me, I try to remember to process the moment. (This seems to enter into almost every aspect of my life) Eventually, it becomes less emotional. I can usually find some explanation through patience to understand their reaction and move on or learn to hurt someone less in the future.
There is a whole ritual and cycle involved with processing information that I willingly endure. I've found that I am fully responsible for things that happen to me if I have control of the moment or not, because I control my thoughts, actions, and reactions. I am the owner of my life and what I do with it. My existence is full of interesting scenarios that fill my days with challenges and rewards. I just try to be more and more strong to not let my fears and inner daemons get the best of me.
At the end of my processing cycle I have peace and understanding inside. A far cry from the initial shock, pain, sadness, or anger. I may not have all the answers but, I am better able to ask questions and assert my true feelings about the situation and hopfully uncover the answers I could not find on my own. I've realized that I'm better able to communicate this way and slowly but surely, I find more and more wonderful things about myself to be proud of and every moment when I think I did right, I love myself just a tinsy bit more.
No comments:
Post a Comment