Saying no to the obligation of yes.

It's been some time since I've written a blog. Something recently has come up for me that I feel I need to put in print. Here goes...

A couple of years ago I wrote a blog about The Four Agreements. Using the teachings to help me heal from some things that I experienced. I find myself again in situation where the agreements come to my aid. Along with a book called The Language of Letting Go. This time, I'm facing my codependency. I come from a long line of codependents. I feel as if my family is a family because of codependency and I have trouble deciphering between healthy and unhealthy exchanges. Regardless of how the unit behaves, I've come to the understanding that I'm personally responsible for my actions and that in order for me to be able to release myself from the pressures and control these codependent ties have over me, I have to make changes within myself.

I've become very unhappy with some of the relationships within my family. I've attempted to communicate some of those issues, but, I receive defensive and dismissive responses. So, after some time of being hurt by the way I feel I'm treated, I've decided to cut the ties of pressure and obligation to my family. It's become painfully apparent there is a lack of respect, appreciation, and closeness toward me. People seem to have their hand out with expectations whenever it suits them and but in return offer attitudes and excuses why they can't reciprocate the kindness or any time to mend and maintain the relationship we had.

I came to realize that my codependency has been an issue for some time. I have a hard time letting people down, saying no, and closing doors to people who are shitty to me. This sets me up to be taken advantage of and for people to use me rather than appreciate what I can do for them. It will be a long time still before I learn to not set myself up to engage in these kinds of relationships, but, starting with closing doors to people who clearly just walk through when they want something or for those who are rude until they need me, is a start.

It was important to me to find a way of letting go of people who don't have mutual best interests in mind or who use me. I wanted to let them go in a way that was genuine and peaceful not defensive or mean. I wanted to truly move on from the unhealthy tie to them. With the hopes of possibly rebuilding something healthy at some point.

I feel a natural need to say yes when I don't want to. So, my first step in this process is to say no even after I said yes. Because, I have an obligation to myself to be honest and it was a true punishment for myself for saying yes when I didn't really want to. Its difficult to let people down in the first place but it's much harder to do it after saying yes. It literally goes against everything I've ever thought in my mind about keeping my word and being a kind person.

What I'm practicing is that being a kind person and keeping my word includes myself. In fact, I need to be most kind to myself and in order to do that, I need to honor my feelings. I was given the advice that I need to keep my first obligation. I first told myself I didn't want to do things for people who are not kind or appreciative. So, I needed to remove myself from being a tool for them to pull out whenever it suits them. Hence, saying no, even after I said yes.

The next step is for me to take time before making decisions and if I'm doing something because I feel pressured to, rather than because I truly want to, I should say no in the future. I plan to.

This situation seems pretty black and white written out simply in a blog but it has come after weeks and months of hurt and sadness. After years of obligations and pressures to do and be something even though you do not want to or aren't appreciated when you do.

I am realizing a few simple rules.

1) Family means nothing if the feeling and definition isn't mutual.
2) If it doesn't feel good don't do it.
3) Its okay to say no.
4) I deserve love and respect.
5) Kindness is only weakness when you allow people to take advantage of it.
6) The definitions of who people are and should be, changes.
7) Its okay to make mistakes.
8) I allow what happens to me, good or bad.
9) I'm only responsible for my own actions
10) Just because I'm the oldest doesn't mean I have to carry the load or do more.

This is a work in progress as most of these kinds of things are.... Till next time.