Recently, I went on a trip to my home state Cali. I was there for almost three weeks. I had the pleasure of seeing my family and friends on this trip, which proved to be life changing for me.
In my everyday life I have struggled to stay positive and engage regularly in healthy relationships. My struggle has been about 10 years in the making. Over those years I failed to replace the support net relied on back home and struggled to find ways to stand tall on my own. I've always felt like an outsider and a "friend" that people to take or leave, not a feeling I had been used to prior to moving to my new home. This feeling of not being good enough, or at least that's how my brain understood it, caused me to become very depressed. In my depression, I allowed many unhealthy interactions in the hopes it would eventually turn into acceptance and transform into the support I had been looking for. Eventually I became exhausted and too hurt to continue in this manner. So, I turned in and hid my true self from everyone. I found that this worked well to keep everyone at arms length, they didn't actively hurt me, nor did I ask them for anything so they did not abandon me. This too became an empty practice because I would never allow them close enough to build friendships that would evolve into the types of relationships I really wanted. After years of not trusting the people around me and struggling to stand tall without the feeling of strong support, I finally feel like I can turn all of this experience into something more positive.
When I went to see my family and friends, I shared some of my struggles with them. They sat with me and talked about the problems, asked me really direct and honest questions, and helped me realize that although I had gone through something, that doesn't mean I can't go on to be happy. I need to take control of my life. I have control of what happens to me and everything that I go through I have some kind of hand in. If its allowing unhealthy people in my life or allowing myself to obsess over toxic thoughts. I need to become more healthy inside myself and once that happens things will see things in my life differently.
Lets be real here, I have already thought of all of those things. I have already tried to "become more healthy"..... and THATS OKAY! Sometimes it takes more work to break through and really change your life by way of thinking. Knowing that I have support still with my friendships back home is all I need to move on. It was my perception that because I could not duplicate what I had somewhere else, it meant that no friendships would be genuine and I couldn't trust them. That is just not the case. I STILL have those friendships back home and I can create new good ones here! Maybe they look different, but, that's life! It doesn't mean they're not good friends. Luckily for me, I have done that already and I do have good genuine friendships here. So, it was all about perception. I now realize I have the best of both worlds... How lucky!
So, now I have support, what about my happiness? Well, thats not so easy. I have taken advice and purchased books that basically help you retrain your brain and mental habits. These books were not a new introduction to me but, in my toxic ego driven mind, thinking of ways to rid myself of that toxicity in healthy ways isn't all that easy.
These three books will be one aspect of my self-work, listening to them as I drive, clean the house, work. Whenever I can!
Another aspect to my work will be to write about some very direct and difficult questions, these questions will help me to focus my writing and face myself. From the advice of another, I found that questions from the steps of 12 step programs are very helpful and enlightening to anyone looking to better understand and change bad habits. If you really have an addiction that is causing you trouble, its not advised to do this work alone, but, with someone who understands addiction and can relate to your situation.
For now, trying to apply the teachings of the authors and to face my inner thoughts, is enough to focus on. I have different aspects of my life that I need to work on so as those different areas present themselves, I will continue to find ways to face them.
There is only one goal here, to become a more healthy and happy person. I lost sight of the fact that regardless of what others do, I can control my own thoughts and choices. As simple as that sounds.... changing thoughts and choices is not a small feat and one I will be working on forever. Its not about perfection but becoming a work in progress. Which, was a cornerstone in my life years ago.
I'm so grateful for those in my life who love and support me.
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