“All negativity is caused by an accumulation of psychological time and denial of the present. Unease, anxiety, tension, stress, worry - all forms of fear - are caused by too much future, and not enough presence. Guilt, regret, resentment, grievances, sadness, bitterness, and all forms of nonforgiveness are caused by too much past, and not enough presence.” ― Eckhart Tolle, The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment
Two weeks ago I wrote a blog about how I planned to recourse my life by becoming a work in progress. The objective was to help myself become happier and exist in a peaceful mind space. I have lived with a stint of depression and anxiety for over a year. Prior to that, had been in and out of depression for about 10 years. Over that time, I have become a different person than I remember myself being in times of my life where I was truly happy.
When I recall the 6 years where I felt most happy I was in a very non-judgmental and free state of mind. I remember not being concerned about work or money besides needing to pay for basic necessities. I was committed to the people who I loved and accepted me. I didn't get bogged down by drama and negativity. I was so confident, nothing ever stopped my spirit from being happy and living my life to the absolute fullest!
Today, my life is very different. I've realized over the last couple of weeks how and why I've struggled to get back to the place I "want to be". When I was in that "happy place" I didn't have to life for anyone except myself. There were a few significant moments that changed the possibility for me to live in that way.
I was in my mid 20's and by the time I decided to move to Texas I had been on unemployment for longer than I could stand, my car was repossessed, I was living far away from my support net. I had become very down on myself. For years I was dedicated to being happy and rather than make choices that brought me to a more stable place, I chose to dedicate my time and my energy to being a great friend and person who focused on others. I was told for years that I was making bad choices and that I needed to put myself first. Well, by the time I decided to move I figured they must have been right. So, on the way, I thought long and hard about how I was going to put myself first and make decisions that suited my needs of being a more stable adult.
My whole agenda was to become more stable so I could move back home to Cali and provide myself with the essentials I needed to stay afloat. Not too long after I moved here I found myself longing for friendship and not being in the best mental pace, I found comfort in friendships and interactions that I wouldn't have expected myself to be involved in. I had a state of mind that was self interested, home sick, and insecure. I was lost. Not only in my physical pace but, mentally too. I was a magnet for toxicity and so it came. I lost who I was and trying to desperately to put myself first but, also feeling very insecure by decision making that I wasn't willing to make decisions like I had in the past so I did things by not changing anything that was set up for me by someone else and trusting the advice and opinions of those around me. In time, I became someone I didn't recognize and eventually found myself more miserable than I could have ever imagined. No one, not even myself, was focused what was truly good for me. It was the blind leading the blind.
In a way I had become more stable at least from the outside looking in. I worked at the same place for years, stayed in the same home for years, I was going to school here and there, and I had convinced myself that I was making the right changes since my life had the appearance of stability. In the midst of all of this I ended up getting pregnant and brought a wonderful baby boy into my life. This decision would change my life completely and permanently. Not only would I never move back home, but, I also share this wonderful life with someone else. Two major commitments that have a huge impact on my life and future.
The transition into motherhood, going through a toxic relationship, and breakup left me looking at who I had become. I quickly realized I didn't like who I was. I was overwhelmed trying to keep up with the expectations of what a mother and parent is supposed to be, which differed from what I felt I was capable of in real life. Navigating my own needs with the needs of my babies. I was less of a Mother than I wanted to be, less of a human than I cared to admit, and I was ashamed when realizing looked at myself. I was guilt and anxiety stricken, afraid to make decisions or even go places, and intimated by the concept of trusting people. Burdened with other's opinions, judgments, and threats. Contemplating my own opinions and judgments, wanting to give my children everything they needed. I was still blindly wandering through life slowly etching away at my pain in self discovery trying to find my way back to the person who had loving people around and a confident outlook on life.
“Don't look for peace.Don't look for any other state than the one you are in now; otherwise, you will set up inner conflict and unconscious resistance.
Forgive yourself for not being peace.The moment you completely accept your non-peace, your non-peace becomes transmuted into peace.Anything you accept fully will get you there, will take you into peace.
This is the miracle of surrender.” ― Eckhart Tolle, The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment
Over the last two weeks I realized that the biggest problem was "putting myself first" in reality, I set myself up for failure not continuing to be the person I am without trying. I put forth a false sense of myself expecting to become someone who makes better choices. I allowed it to seep into me and take control with the promise of MORE, more money, more control, more everything. I realize now with the help of the book The Power of Now, that I was lost at that very moment. I've been searching for something I will never find continuing to have that motivation. Its not about ME its never been about me. I even wrote a blog at the beginning of the year that this would be the year of ME. It was my desperate attempt at separating myself from the reality of being so self consumed and overwhelmed with life around me. What I'm realizing now is that instead of being someone who puts herself first, I need to be someone who lets go of control and accepts life as it comes. That was the mistake I made long long ago. In my attempt to control so much around me I didn't allow life to come and go. Which made me lose what I thought I was working toward, living a carefree and happy life.
I'm barely breaking through this discovery and life is still happening around me as I has been for years. I need constant reminders that I can do things differently and I finally feel like I have a better grasp at letting go of what has held me back from the genuine happiness I have been "searching" for.
I know that I still have years of discovery ahead of myself but, for now I'm feeling good about what I've learned and have come to accept. I feel that I've let go of a lot of things I had been clinging to and although I still have a long way to go, I like who I see and that's progress.
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