Surviving Southern Hospitality.

"Southern hospitality is a phrase used in American English to describe the stereotype of residents of the Southern United States as particularly warm, sweet, and welcoming to visitors to their homes, or to the South in general."

I've lived in Texas for over 10 years now. So I'm pretty settled in my new home. But, I must admit, understanding social interactions here have been a real challenge for me from the start. I'm from an area where you are honest about your feelings toward people. When you meet people, you don't poke or prod into their lives, if you do ask about them, you're trying to find things to relate to because you are interviewing them for a possible friendship. Most of the time interactions with people you don't know (and perhaps even those that you do) are not overly friendly and consist of "Hey, how ya do'n" or a simple "Sup!" and if there's no reason to talk more you move on with your day. When you have an issue with someone, its likely that they know it, by you approaching them to talk about it or by clearly being upset with them. Talking behind people's back does happen on occasion, the people who do that are backstabbers and fakes- it's a no, no! When you make plans with people and you don't follow through you're a "flake", people are annoyed by flakes, time is precious. When people say they want to hang out, most of the time they really mean it and if you don't people are usually honest about not being interested. I moved to Texas well into my 20's so naturally I was pretty set in my understanding how social things work, or at least I thought. I've felt very confused and misled by the way that most people I've interacted with behaved toward me.

In the beginning, people typically act very friendly and appear to be interested in getting to know me. I usually feel welcomed and liked. Unfortunately, I often find that those actions couldn't be farther from the truth. In fact, some have even pretended to be friends with me over a length of time, gained trust, and learned things about me. All the while, using me and my seemingly super entertaining life to gossip about me with their real friends. This foul deception had happened before, in elementary school, both were equally hurtful and disturbing. Other "friends" are around for a while, then out of the blue, I never hear from them again. These people also ALWAYS say nothing is wrong if I'm ever able to ask them what went wrong or if I did something to upset them. Then there's the ones who act as if I'm shunned, they avoid talking to me, looking at me, acting as if I don't exist, as if they have no interest in me. But of course, they have no issue talking about me behind my back and spreading gossip. These things are not the normal behavior of friends and acquaintances in my opinion and it took a long time to figure out these things were happening. Not just with a person or two with lots of people. So, naturally I became mistrusting and pessimistic about meeting and trusting people.

I've asked people for years and years what is going on with all this, what I'm doing wrong, and no one has been able to put it in a way I can understand or accept. I've literally been told "nothing is happening", that I'm imagining things and creating problems that don't exist. I've received a clear message that the South doesn't appreciate criticism or being questioned. Nor are is there much interest in this changing. Those who don't agree, even if they're from here, just say "that's how it is". So, I've done my best and just tried to accept it. Without understanding, its been difficult to trust many people and meeting new people is very stressful. I pretty much expect every person I meet to one day disappear from my life or find out that the friendship was a sham. I'm still really intrigued and curious about this phenomenon, so I tried to make the best of it and with every failed attempt at friendship I've been able to take in a little more information in the hopes that one day I could figure out what was happening.

Well, the day finally came. Someone, born and raised here, broke it down for me honestly and in terms that I can accept because they confirmed my experiences do happen as part of the social norms here. It was explained that people in the South are brought up to never be rude and live by certain principals of etiquette. The term "Southern Hospitality" is really the basic term that encompasses this behavior, where people are overly nice, even if they don't mean it. We've all heard the term "Bless your heart" and its sort of understood that, this isn't always meant to be taken literally.
Acting like you like someone when you don't is not perceived as being fake, its being polite. Talking behind each other's back isn't usually seen as back stabbing, its a common occurrence, so often accepted. Being direct and honest is seen as being rude and uncouth. Since not many people grow up interacting like that, people tend to not know how to take those who are direct and therefore don't like them. Being passive aggressive and indirect is a more acceptable way to deal with situations of conflict or dislike. Being nice to and spending time with someone that they don't really like in order to get something from them or learn juicy information to report back to their coop is something that everyone from here knows is may happen. People only share things that really don't matter, or that they want others to hear, even if it appears that it's private, its not. Typically people only trust and share real information with those they've known for a very very long time. These are also the people that they are honest and direct with. They do not talk behind those people's backs and will not use them for a purpose or a come-up, like they do with others. There is honestly and loyalty here, its just kept to only those certain few that are accepted and truly considered friends.

I do still have some questions, for example this explanation doesn't help to understand how certain behaviors that are rude, are accepted. But, my assumption is that because they're from here, they know the delicate balance of when and how to be "rude" and when to be hospitable.

I've learned that the South is another culture, completely. I now look at things the way I would if I moved to a new country. Moving to another culture, one much different than your own, you expect and accept things are done differently. I never really looked at Texas being that difference from California. It was my mistake not to be respectful of how different things can be, even if we do share the same US boarders, its perfectly acceptable to have unique customs. I don't know if any of my experiences would have been different had I had this state of mind moving here. But, I feel I would have been ready for things to be more different in general and if I assumed that I needed to learn this culture walking into it, I would have been more receptive and less confident walking into situations. Instead, I assumed that I could easily slip into life here, which lead me to a lot of confusion because although some of the actions are similar, the reasons and implications are different.

What does that mean moving forward? I've figured that somethings I can keep doing with more confidence and other things I can adjust based on my newly acquired knowledge. Funny part is I pretty much will be viewing and treating people exactly the way I did back home. Regardless of customs and culture, people are people after all.

I'm me and getting better at being me everyday! That's not going to change and there's nothing wrong with that. I do not need to conform and change to fit expectations of society here, if I don't want to, just like I didn't conform back home. I'm honest, straight forward, and blunt. I just have to accept that most people will be put off by it and that's just fine, there are people here that do accept me just the way I am and that's what matters.

I've lived here long enough to develop my own version of Southern Hospitality and I can BS like the rest of em. I've learned some of those social cues so when I feel that's the appropriate approach, I'll use it. Why rock the boat all the time?

I understand that people will act overly interested or nice when they don't really need to be and it's just proper etiquette, it's not a meaningful conversation. So, when necessary I'll just listen and converse about stuff that matters to them or the situation. I could also choose not to participate, give a smile and keep to myself. Basically, I'll do the exact same thing I did back home, the difference being I just won't take their interest seriously. I'm looking forward to not wasting my time and energy on this stuff, its been so exhausting not being able decipher these exchanges.

I know that although there is a lot of gossip happening, I don't have to participate or feed into it. Even if people are interested in getting to know me, spend time with me, and appear to be a "friend", they're not going to get any real information from me. I'll only share important things with friends that I've known for a LONG time and they've proven to be trustworthy time and time over in actions.

I need to take people's words as politeness, not truth. When they say they want to get together, they're really just trying to say bye, they don't mean it unless they make plans right then and follow through.

I've learned that when I've felt hurt and fooled by the way people treated me in the past, it really wasn't all that personal. They're behaving in ways that are deemed appropriate or acceptable in this culture. I don't have to behave in any way that I don't feel is necessary, just because that's the norm here. Nor do I need approve of their actions by associating with them after the fact. After all, it's very likely they're not being nice after because they feel bad and want to make it right, so why waste my time?

I also appreciate the few real friends I have here, even more. I see how special and rare it is to have loyalty and trust between people. I'm happy to have earned that special place in people's lives and them in mine.

Overall, I'm not taking people too seriously or expecting much from them. If they're genuine when they say things, they'll follow through. If they're just being polite, they won't. I'll just take it for what it is.

I'm grateful to finally have good understanding and closure to some very painful and traumatic experiences from my past. Having gone through so much rejection and constantly having people act as if they like me to find out that they didn't was really hard to understand and cope with. I really believed people were genuinely being nice to me, not just being cordial. Not grow up in this culture, I really felt I was causing it and doing something wrong. In reality I was making a mistake, I was taking their words too seriously. Knowing that's not really how it works, I feel prepared to have more realistic expectations and interactions with people. I'm going to work on just accepting what it is and go on from each interaction without much thought put into it.  I believe that this will help me move forward in life in a much more positive, optimistic, and accepting way.

With my new understanding and peace of mind, I can feel good regardless of what people say about and think of me. After all, that's just the way it is.