yet again...

Today I'm feeling extremely overwhelmed. I'm struggling with the difference between what I feel is the right thing and opinions of others who also have equal rights to that same situation. It affects me greatly because I constantly fear that I may not be doing the right thing even though I feel it is. Simply because they are very clear or rather direct about making me feel I'm wrong for being different. There is always a justification and constant contradiction to their opinions so I'm always confused about what to and not to do. The worst part is that I don't know how to stop feeling anxious about making us both happy. I feel that if I were to stop considering what they want it will make things even harder. But, I wonder if what I'm doing is only making me feel stressed.

I totally feel like I'm on the verge of tears just doing what I think is best for the most important people in my life because I'm being scrutinized. The worst part is that I put myself in this position trying to do the right thing....yet again. I feel like no matter what I do it is always going to end with me in the line of fire and that is no way to live.

I envy those who are confident with their decisions even in the face of criticism. I sometimes wish I didn't care so much about being the "good" in the situation and doing what is "right" for others who undoubtedly would never do that for me.

I alwasy hold this hope that one day the realization will happen that I am not the bad guy and everything I do is for the best of everyone involved. But, deep down I doubt that will ever happen. I just end up rebuilding myself to stand tall and fight another day because I know that if I don't everything else will just get worse.

I feel like this is my punishment for getting involved with a situation I had no business being in and if I had my head on straight I would have known better a long time ago. This is the consequence of my choices. 

I some times think of what it must be like for those people who make a mistake, one that is unorthodox for them as a person, and live the rest of their lives behind bars. I cannot really imagine the experience but, I can imagine the feeling of being trapped in something that does not feel right. The good part about my situation is that with all of this BS comes some of the best aspects of my life and that is what makes this difficult but worth it.  

 I feel like a big fat lump of negativity and I'm ready to purge this feeling and move on. I've already started the journey to again gaining my self respect and proper footing in the situation. I now just have to do the work, face some fears, and prepare myself for the unhealthy conflict that always seems to happen before things get better. I will end this cycle again and this time I hope I will keep up the self work to not allow it to gain momentum again in the future and put me back in this place.