Selling out to make it.

A new lesson I realized I'm learning right now is, How to live by other people's rules and accepting that its okay to do so.

For much of my life I have struggled with other people's and societies rules, for not other reason than, its just my nature. When I was a child I walked to the beat of my own drum and always saw things from a different point of view. I had the ability to keep an open mind and an unbiased opinion about the facts of life. As I grew up, I kept that unique and quirky persona and it grew with me as I got older. I wanted very much to be like everyone else, but, it just never happened for me. In high school the front office personnel knew my home phone number and my mother's signature by heart. I never worked a mainstream job like the other kids, my first job was helping in an auto body shop answering phones, doing estimates, and helping with jobs. Not the typical mall or food service jobs kids at that age usually had. I started getting tattoos and always looked different than other people. I even tried to look different than the people who looked like me, with tattoos and colored hair and such. I stubbornly and full heartedly lived life the way that felt right for me, not by what my parents, family, mentors, neighbors, or friends lived themselves or recommended for me. I set my own rules and live life the way I wanted to, happily!

For a good number of years living by my own rules worked to my advantage, until the consequences of living outside of societies acceptable behaviors constricted my ability to have the things I wanted, like a home and stability. To have those things I needed money and a good credit score. It took a very long time for me to accept that I had to "sell out" to get those things. I know some would say I didn't need to and I agree. I know some people who were able to stay true to themselves and still get what they wanted out of life. But, I have come to the conclusion that even though I am willing to live life on the edge, my decision to procreate change the singular point of view I was making decisions from. My horizon looks very different than it used to, so I must make different choices to accomplish what I feel is important now.

So, I've started opening myself up to the idea that I could blend my personal life and opinions with those of society and the area that I now live. I may not like all of it and I may run into moments when its a real struggle to get out of bed. But, I understand now that I must accept and live by other people's rules if I want to get anywhere in their world. As much as I hate to admit it, the entire human race has not conceded to my way of living.... So to some degree I must concede to theirs.

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The interesting part of all of this is, as I read through my blog I don't really like what I am starting to accept. I don't like that I must make even more changes to who I am at any point, social gatherings, work place, family events, and my social life to be happy in my personal life. At my core, I feel that everyone should be able to be themselves and other people should accept them for it. Perhaps the inability for people to be honest to themselves and accepting of who they and other people are IS who people are. But, I find that hard to believe. 


I do not want to live by their standard and I feel cornered. I accept it but, I do not like it. Its an odd place to be.


Perhaps this is still a work in progress but, at least I have learned to accept things that I do not like, in the hopes of gaining things I do.