I decided to challenge myself this semester. Mostly because I feel pressure to always be doing something productive with myself and school had a very clear step by step journey that was, for the most part, laid out for me. The other productive thing I would have been doing is working on my business venture and facing a bunch of uncontrollable unknowns.... SCARY! So, what did I do, I decided I was going to give myself a chance to see if going to school and trying to get my Masters Degree in Psychology and become an EMDR therapist. Not a small goal. But, one that felt like a desired path which constantly kept coming up.
I enrolled in school knowing this would be my way of really knowing if school for the next five years was a good idea for me or if I needed to focus on my small business. Knowing both would be challenging, I felt getting the school question would be the easiest way to see if that was my path. I told myself that balancing three college classes along with my current client base, my children, my man, my home, and myself would be a glimpse of what the next five years would look like.
I was right! I've been in school for seven weeks and I've contemplated dropping classes three times. I am scatter brained, I do not have the time to tend to my clients, I'm forgetting things, I'm short tempered with my children at times, I do not spend the time with Ricky that I feel I should be since he will be in school next year. My house is a mess and I'm stressed out. This was a real test. I go back and forth about if I really should continue on with all of my classes. I wonder if it really matters....
I understand why I haven't graduated from college yet and why I've dropped so many classes in the past.. I understand why school has been an area of disappointment and frustration for myself in the past. I had hoped that because I want to be more successful now that somehow it would be different. But, its not. It is just as difficult as it was in the past academically.
I'm envious of people who were able to get their college degrees, ever. Those who did it just out of high school and those who went back later. I envy the finality of that moment for them. I have lived for so long with everyone telling me that I would be better off with a degree. I have experienced the judgement and lack of respect from those who did graduate, looking at me who hasn't. I understand that they went through all of this and frankly, I'm happy for them. But, I can't help but wonder if its was really the same. Did they really struggle as much as I do? Or are they more like Ricardo and other people I know who learn things better and easier? Is it still an incredible accomplishment, YES! But, it's not the same journey. I have more respect for those college graduates whom I know have learning disabilities, or children to take care of. Those who had to go to school in order to get out of poverty and minimum wage. Those are the graduates I really respect. It didn't come as easy to them.
I suppose the judgement goes both ways. I have some work to do on myself. I feel that I haven't always allowed my struggles to create such a negative place in my heart and mind. I am really happy for each and every person who creates success in their lives. If that has to do with school or something else. I just feel that my struggles through this college thing have had such a huge effect on my life and just because I cannot do it like them, that means that I'm somehow lower and less valuable.
That's just not the case. I have other strengths. I am valuable in other ways. I just hate that people aren't celebrated for their unique abilities and instead its all measured by how well you can complete these specific tasks and fit inside one specific box.
I don't want to fit in that box. But, I want my successes acknowledged like those who do!
I've learned that I enjoy learning without the pressures and deadlines. I learned that I love to enhance what I know and understand about the world around me. But, that school is not something I can do right now in my life. I knew that this would take time from my children. The idea of doing this for the next fiver years, when I don't need to, doesn't seem fair or like something I'll be happy doing.
I'm annoyed I'm not better at juggling everything. I'm frustrated that I cannot do it all. Now I have to figure out what my real priories are and stick to them confidently. I now get to finish my semester with confidence and accept whatever grade I get. I'm trying the best I can to balance it all and I need to acknowledge that school isn't my first priority. My kids are. So, my mentality will adjust and I will find the time to complete my assignments, only after I've take care of my children and myself so I can be the kind of mom they deserve.
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