Mid-growth moment- Are you a coward or a bully?

I've been feeling a bit frank and wide eyed lately.

I used to be more fearful of hurting people's feelings and getting anxiety with everything that happens.

I've heard a few comments and had some thoughts lately that have inspired growth in me.  Perhaps just the slightest bit of growth but, growth none the less.

One thing I've heard was an answer to a question I've had about why people behave and treat others badly. Its a topic that is hot in the news lately too. Its about bullies...

I was told that someone didn't like me because they thought they could push me around or beat me up (figuratively). Which is sad. So, because I am a genuine and kind person people they feel its okay to treat me badly, pick on me, or see me as less.

Lets just chew on that for a minute. I've had the unfortunate experience of meeting and being treated badly by A LOT of people. So, does that mean that a good percentage of people are bullies or bully-like? .... Maybe.

I just think that there are a percentage of people who are bullies and a much larger percentage of people who have learned that if they appear to be "strong" and pick on others, then the bully doesn't pick on them. They basically find a scapegoat to take he hit for them. So, they are not bullies they are cowards.

Is there a difference between the two? In the scheme of things maybe not. But, I think that it shows that there are actually a majority of people who are just followers and really the sad reality is that if most people are cowards and won't stand up to the bullies than the bully wins, society loses.

THOSE PEOPLE ARE WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY TODAY! Those are the parents of the bullies at school. They are teaching by example and literally bullying their own children, probably without even knowing it, because they see kindness as weakness and treat people who are kind, badly. I really believe that some cowards or bullies are teaching their children to be mean with all the "love"in their heart, believing that they are being good parents. Maybe they are. Maybe they are just perpetuating a sad and unrelenting reality.

The whole truth to this situation is that I'm actually the strong one. Along with all other people who refuse to behave that way, despite how we're treated.

I'll be honest here, sometimes I wish I could be more assertive and I wish that I didn't care so much about others. If that were the case, I would be able to live like all those cowards and bullies. I wouldn't look back and feel sorry for anything I've done. I would feel justified in my mistreatment of others if they deserved it or not.

That's the reality of being a kind person, regardless if someone or something deserved or needed to be hurt I feel bad for them. I have heart that is REAL and it works! And for the first time in a while, I'm not ashamed or afraid of that heartbeat because it is not a sign of weakness as so many believe it does. Its a sign of life! Without a heartbeat you are dead. My heartbeats for not only myself but others too. I'm proud of that.... I'm finally proud of that, again.

I remember when I was in High school I saw the things I'm seeing again now. I saw how many people treated each other badly; used each other, talked badly about so-called friends, and hurt others and I couldn't relate to it. I was hurt by these same people and I saw how it changed some of my friends and family. At the time I prided myself on being a pillar of kindness for other kind people to align with. I would make a kindhearted army of sorts. A place where people could let their guard down and not be intimidated by things. To be able to trust that at least I had their back and would not let them down or take advantage of them. And I stayed true to those people. They for a long time stayed true to me. But, sadly we all grew up. Some aligned with others and some just didn't stay true to themselves, they sold out! As time went on I became, I found new people to become friends with and new alliances were formed. Again, staying true to my friends and myself.

Then, I moved to a new place and this new place had different social rules than what I was used to. I tried for a long time to figure out how to be accepted by a new place and how to get these new groups to accept me and find a new alliance. Sadly, I couldn't find what I was used to. I found a bunch of people who didn't really care about what I had to offer and the type of friend I was. Along that long road I was broken hearted by friends and broken spirited by circumstance. I had a number of life altering relationships that really had a negative impact on my psyche. I no longer had this bright shinning light in me. It was snuffed out by bullies and mean natured people. I did not have that true-hearted alliance to help me through as they did so many times before.

I had forgotten how important it was for me to surround myself with people with true beating hearts. Honest and frank people who tell it like it is and who are not afraid to stand with me and defend how people deserve to be treated. Instead of manipulating whats around them so they get what they want. Instead of cowards who scamper to defend and do the deeds of the bullies. So I turned into myself. I did not have that unwavering support I used to and I just needed to heal.

Its taken years to regain some of my footing. As each year passes I find myself having these moments of awakening where that little light flickers inside brighter and brighter each time. I feel stronger and stronger as each growth period passes. I've changed my view of friendship from something I need around me so desperately, to something I only share with people who are deserving. Instead of searching for people like I used to, I sit and wait for them to come to me. I am not open armed like I used to be, but, maybe in time that will change too.

I am not the strongest I've ever been, but even in my weakest I know I am stronger than all of those bullies and cowards. I know that even if I feel defeated I've never sold out. I'll I ever wanted was to be accepted. I still want to be accepted. The difference is that today I'm more knowledgeable about how special and few those true hearted people really are. I was reminded how lucky I was and am to have some of the friends I've had. That I cannot just pick a good hearted person out of every group I find and it may be a lonely or long road to finding them should I need to find new ones again.

This is not about bullies or cowards though. Its not about them. Its about the fact that even if people don't like me or think I'm weak. I just have to keep trucking on and show them that the real strength comes from being a good person. That no matter how badly I'm beat down by circumstance that I will come out of it with a true heart. Just like I always have.

The only thing that they did was allow me to doubt myself. They never changed or truly broke me.

So, like me or not, I never be a coward or a bully.

To those people who hurt me or took me for granted, to those who told me I'm too nice, to those who said I need to change, to those who make fun of kind thoughtful people, to those who gang up on others, to those who think I'm weak because I care take a look at yourself.... Are you a bully or a coward?

Either way, you and I are not aligned nor do I desire your acceptance or friendship.

I remember now what types of people I want on my side, the kind beating hearted ones. The rare ones who have gone to hell and back and somehow still are true to themselves and still care! The other people who are just baffled by the state of society and how people can do the things they do. Because those who cannot relate, cannot understand.

Those are my people, my alliance.