Letting go....

Anyone who has taken a moment to get to know me will likely learn these two things; I'm loyal and I thirst for knowledge. Those two aspects of myself are a large part of what makes me, ME! They have been an asset which makes me a value to some and unfortunately, an anchor to situations that ended up being painful and heartbreaking. At times I've wished to be more like people I see who do not question things and easily let go of people. That would save me from the time it takes me to "think" through a situation to the degree that I feel it's hopeless and finally distance my heart. My loyalty does not allow me to just drop people after I've drawn close to them. Its unfortunate because most people do not appear to respect that quality about me or perhaps they don't understand it? Either way, I tend to hold on to those who deserve to be set free.

I wonder if perhaps the appearance is that I'm desperate or needy? Which isn't at all the reality of things... Its really that I'm not an eye-for-an-eye person and I accept people as a whole, short comings and all. But, perhaps it's just a misunderstood apparent weakness to those who expect to be thrown away when they treat people less than they should. Perhaps, they should be thrown away but, I have a hard time just dropping someone because they did something wrong. I wouldn't want to be treated that way. So, I don't treat people that way. 

I feel that just because we aren't as close as we used to be doesn't mean that we can't stay connected and wish each other well. For some people I've found they only have time or interest in those who are right in front of them. The feeling of being 'old news' comes to mind. This too is something I am able to over come because I am confident to know it has nothing to do with me. Rude? Perhaps, but, again... Not about me. So, why take it so personally? We aren't super close so why should they still put me as a fixture of their life? Seems to make sense to me and why I don't just drop them. I enjoy seeing them happy and watching their life unfold, even if I can be close.

The uncomfortable part is when I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do. There's no real answer to if they want to be connected or not. They appear to be interested, they comment and like things on social media, may even say they want to go do things, and every so often actually follow through. But, they are not consistent and seem to ignore me when other seemly more important people are around. They may even pretend they don't talk to me or act different when those "important" people are around. This is a tough thing to go through really.... There's no consistency. I hate to let go of someone who wants a friendship from me. But, eventually I have to accept that they are not who they say they are and if I look at the times when they appeared interested, they really just wanted something.... They don't want or appreciate me, they are just using me. Unfortunately, it takes time for me to come to understand this. Not only am I a genuine person, but, I do not use people. So, the concept isn't always apparent. This happens time and time again and I'm positive it will keep happening because I'm an easy mark. If being a loving, helpful, and loyal person makes me a mark then, I'll deal. That is their issue not mine.

Then there's the people who just don't want to be connected. They do not call or write. The contact they used to keep slowly dwindles way. This is tough for me because its one sided and I'll hold on for a while until becomes apparent that they really just don't care about it and I'll eventually walk away... But, there's a very good chance that door stays open. I'm only respecting their desire for distance.

I have never been able to immediately let go of  friendships or people. I have always been very forgiving and accepting. I've recently done some growing in this area and I've come to see things slightly different. Although those things are all still true and perhaps I will continue to leave doors open to some. Those who have continually hurt me, blatantly ignored me, or shown themselves to be fair weather friends won't have an open door to walk through easily. The reality is that my asset of being a loyal person who loves to understand things makes me a great and honest friend and someone who deserves the same treatment in return. So, I don't need to leave the opportunity open for everyone I've connect with to return. I've learned to accept that everyone isn't looking for my kind of friendship, as much as I love to be that person, for those people. Those who want to be in my life will find a way in, those who don't deserve to find what they are looking for without being tethered to me.  So, I will let them go.

Good bye, I hope you find everything you are looking for!

 As the old saying goes.....

"If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, its yours forever. If it doesn’t, then it was never meant to be."