I'm regularly reminded that life's struggles don't change too much as you grow up and yes, history seem to repeat itself. That being said, I've had some depression creep up on me this year. I haven't dealt with my depression in a while, years really. Nothing like this at least. I've had moments or weeks where I felt depressed, but, they subsided quickly and had a specific cause, so it was easier to get through it. This has been different, there's no real cause, its just that gloom cloud that never seem to blow away. This is the depression that sticks around and causes you to not sleep well and has the ability to put a fog between you and reality. It different in a way too, from what I remember before. I also have quite a bit of anxiety which prevents me from being involved in things sometimes. Being busy is something that usually helps me move through depression and stay grounded.
Since I have been battling with this for a number of months now, I have come to understand that specific situations have greatly affected me and have definitely contributed to feeling depressed. Although, I feel like these are "normal" life issues, just stuff we go through. For whatever reason, right now I'm not able to get through it. Some of the situations are things that I have to come to accept about my life or myself, and I'm having a hard time with that. I'm also having to grieve for things that changed course, regardless of how hard I worked to keep them on course. The fact is that, "the best of my ability" wasn't enough. I'm having a hard time with that too.
When you allow depression and anxiety to run rampant in your mind, you get these very self damaging thoughts and twisted truths. For me, these thoughts are often about my value and my place in life. That, has never changed. I struggle with my "place" when I'm not depressed. So, its really just accelerated now. Its also no secret that I've struggled to find my groove socially since I moved here almost 10 years ago!!! I've had my fair share of lost friendships and negative or confusing interactions to just scare me away from getting really close to people. Not having a consistent interactions with supportive and loyal friends hasn't helped my situation either. Having people who loved me and supported me, even though they didn't have to really helped me get though some tough days.Knowing I mattered to someone, especially someone who mattered so much to me, really gave me something to be happy about.
I think in life you cannot have it all. I've really struggled with not having friends near by that would move mountains to be there for me and vice-versa! Having friends and having friends that REALLY accept you and make time for you are two different things. Before I go much further, I have to give respect to the friends that I believe if there was more time would be there for me, but, because we're not 20 with no kids, its just not in the cards. The sad thing is that, even though I remind myself of that, I still see other people who are older with kids finding a way to do it. So, it doesn't change the feeling that with most people, I'm just filler and people can easily take or leave me. I hate the feeling that I can't go anywhere to see "my people" and there's parts of me that have never gotten over all of the rejection I've felt over the last 10 years.
I started this "100 Happy Days" thing. I'm only a week in and I have far
to go. But, even in the first 5 days I found myself appreciating the
process of forcing myself to see the positives of every day, as little
as they may seem, that one moment I dedicate every day will forever be
the highlights of those days. The best part is that I get one of those
every day! Doing this excercize has given me some inspiration to help me
get back on my feet and balance my life a bit. Perhaps even dig myself
out of some of this depression.
When I have clarity I realize that I'm no were close to being alone in my thoughts and feelings. I hate the idea that anyone feels the way I do, so I've decided pave a new path through my depression. I'm going to use the knowledge I've gained about being a positive and use graditude, kindness, and the "do onto others" adage to excercize more positive thoughts in my mind. Perhaps that will get my brain thinking in a more healthy pattern while helping others!
What am I talking about? I'm talking about giving to others what I've been needing myself, letting other people know how special they are. How they've had a positive affect on my life and to let people know that I'm thinking about them.I will write about someone as often as I can, hopefully as often as everyday but, for sure, every week. I hate the feeling that anyone that I care about or respect would ever feel the way I have so, I'm going to reach out and let them know they are somebody to me.
I'm going to add #youaresomebody in each one to signify the process. Who knows.... maybe it'll catch on, in fact I think it should!
xoxo
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