It seems like not matter how hard I try somethings never change. I work to become a more evolved and understanding person. I attempt to stay open to understanding and the idea that one day everything will work out and I will eventually be at peace or at least come to accept things.
I find that the harder I work to become the person I want to become, I'm held back by things I cannot control. No matter how much I put my hopes and dreams out into the world, I'm still living with the same four walls that never seem to hear my cries for change.
I used to believe in karma. But, I've watched people who are not deserving get every wish and earthy desire they've wanted, regardless of how they treat others or how dishonest they have to be to get it. I've been told that their karma will come in different forms, but, there are too many innocent people who suffer daily in lives they barely had a chance to live, let alone deserve what they survive through, or worse... don't.
There are of course the occasional moments of things seeming to be close to perfect... Or at least great compared to the average day. I hear that moments like that are what feeds hope and hope is what allows us to go on. We must have hope or else we would never be able to get through the crap we do.
I will say that compared to many people my life is luxurious and something to be proud of. I am, to a degree. I try to stay in a place of positivity and be grateful for all the things I do have... The basics, I have those. I am very lucky that I do. I just can't help but every once in a while take a look outside my life and wonder if there is a reason to want more.
It seems that I will always have just enough. Perhaps its time to accept that just be.
But, won't I then feel as if I'm not doing much with my life and worse, giving up on hope?
I am not sure that I can just be anyways. I am someone who needs to constantly be stimulated by interesting things be it experiences, knowledge, and sharing with or helping others. The problem is my life doesn't have room for me to experience much, I'm busy holding things together to have time for much learning, and do I really have much to offer myself let alone anyone else?
Perhaps I'm just in a state of frustration because I cannot control things that affect the people I love the most and it feels almost like there's no point in hope or becoming a better person if those who don't care seem to have a better hold on life and getting what they want. It seems that despite being open to understanding perhaps there are things I will never understand and coming to accept that isn't something I'm evolved enough to comprehend.
I hate that despite how much I try to be at peace and let things to, I am full of passion for a situation I can't act on the way I feel I should. Or I will cause more harm. I am so overwhelmed with the feeling of being restrained that I can't seem to find the calm to find a way out of the shackles. I'm afraid if I let go and accept my prison that I will also drop the good things that may be happening for those around me. Or perhaps I'm doing the exact opposite, creating confusing and forcing something that may not be the right. Maybe that is why I'm trapped in a cycle of the same misery and can't seem to find my way to peace or the changes I've been hoping for.
I fear I'm becoming the person I swore I wouldn't a decade ago and somehow destiny or my own curse has lead me here despite never wanting this. Now I live in this hoping for the map or to wander though it somehow miraculously coming to an end where I look back with understanding and peace.
I love the quote, "Not all wanderers are lost" and one day I hope that applies to me. Because for now I feel lost and I am wandering, like I always have been. Except now hope seems like a silly trick we play on ourselves to just get though it all. For no hope is not what forces me to go on, its obligation and love. Two things that for me are more powerful than hope. It is purpose.
That is all I have... purpose.
Be careful what you wish for. You may just get some of it.
No comments:
Post a Comment