I am extremely hard on myself in many areas of my life. Parenting is definitely at the top of my list to strive for perfection. I feel that if I'm being a perfectionist, absorbed in the details, I will do a few things right along the way. The reality is that I had very different ideas about parenting before I had my own children. It was easy to watch from the sidelines and judge what was wrong and right in other parenting styles. I figured I would remember every little detail and be able to apply it exactly as I assumed it should be, to my own situations. Well.... That didn't exactly turn out to be the case. I can say that certain fundamentals are there, just as I wanted them to be. But, execution is a different story.
I am no expert and my children aren't those children, the situations are different, and lets face it I'm not perfect, I'm human! I had no idea how the slow gradual deterioration of my patience and sanity would affect my mental capacity to make rational decisions. I never considered that there would be another person in my child's life and that they would have a say over how things are handled, as self centered as that may be. Nor did I consider that my outlook on life and the world around me would change so greatly that my prior ideas would be unrealistic. So, my point is that I learn and grow every day as a parent. I make mistakes and have major moments of greatness. I believe that all of my struggles are shared by many other parents and I'm no different than them trying to figure out the "right" way to handle everything that comes up.
I'm going to talk briefly about my oldest child. He is full of life and laughter, limitless in his imagination and ability to dream up a new adventure. His heart is huge and sensitive, though he tries not to show it. He is my first true love and more than enough reason to strive to be the best mom. Having such a dream filled and energetic child does have its down sides and did I mention he's extremely strong minded? Some people would call it stubborn, but, I resent that, so I'll keep it at strong minded. There is an obvious struggle when you put three strong minded people into a situation and tell them to figure it out. (Cant forget about Dad, though I never considered him before making a baby....) Anyway, balancing everything out can be challenging. Recently, I added a lot to my plate and quickly found that I needed more help.
This year my kido started Kindergarten and within a month we took him out. I started to home school him hoping to get him into a specific charter school for 1st grade. I felt that the struggles he was facing were too much for such a young age in a school I felt didn't have the resources to handle it with out him being left out or being labeled as that "problem kid." Having no disillusions about the seriousness of the situation I realized I still have more parenting to do before my baby was going to be ready for the big world. So, I put my home school shoes on, ordered the best material for his needs, and got to work! How hard could Kindergarten be? Well, its not that hard, but, add in a small child under a year old, than that when it gets a bit more juicy. Lets just leave it at... I needed more help.
I figured putting my big girl pants on and getting strict that my boy would just straighten him right out! Well, now we all know where he got his imagination and tenaciousness from huh? It didn't exactly work out that way. Although, something have taken a turn for the better, I feel that I'm still missing something. So, I consulted another home school mom, my son's counselor, and Amazon!
Here's what we came up with....
I read the first chapter of this book and am very excited to get more into it. Its interactive and has areas where you can work on your communication habits by simple writing and roll play. The lessons and recommended changes seem so obvious once you hear them, but, actually retraining our minds and remembering to use the new vocabulary and conversational tools are quite challenging. So, I think they are very smart in adding that part to help us along the way.
After the first chapter I'm eagerly awaiting the big reveal on what to do. They first covered why children act defiant and what we do as parents to perpetuate the issue. They also help to remind us to take time for our sanity. I'm looking forward to some results!
After reading the first two chapters I'm excited to say this book is not as scary as it looks. It has helpful tips for parents with huge and small adjustments. This was helpful for me because some of the things he mentioned helped me feel like on our worst day, we're not alone and even when it seems like you've done it all, you haven't.
That's a lot of reading and who has the time for that?! Well, today, I read the first two while my boys were watching TV, in 1/2 hour and the third I read while watching the little one in the tub. If you wan something bad enough you will find a way. I'm not a great reader by the way either, so if that intimidates you just remember... If your interested in the reading, you will get through the book. I think that self help/children help books are the only books I've ever gotten through and I skim most of the reading until it gets good!
I will come back to update this blog from time to time as I see progress.
I can tell you that after reading these chapters, I felt great relief and joy. I had been feeling quite defeated and helpless. I still have not been given more than a few new tips and I can tell you that my evening went without one raise of a voice or argument. It takes a lot more words to have a conversation than to just say NO! But, in the end, it was a lot less than the time it would take to argue and whatever aftermath happens after that. So, I'm feeling great and optimistic!
************* UPDATE: 12/30/12 *****************
Its been about two weeks since I started reading and ingratiating new parenting techniques into our lives. I can say that the good is better and the bad can at times be worse.... That may not sound like a good thing but, since I'm now half way through all three books (further in some than others) I'm finding that as I learn more and more ways to handle different situations, my son gets acclimated to the new way, and I become more confident with my strategies, I'm finding that things get better and better. I'm proud to say that I have just about abolished raising my voice and yelling completely. Some interesting moments have been shared between my five year old and myself and I've learned quite a bit about what he's been feeling. Although I felt I was giving him opportunities to communicate his feelings, I now realize that it was ineffective before and although some of the things that he tells me now can be painful to hear, I understand he has limited ways to express himself and can be extreme in his emotional swings... Just like a typical five year old. The things that are said are not to be taken literally and offer me the opportunity to rectify the situation with him and move forward with greater trust. Getting everyone else on board has been a bit challenging. There are so many different aspects to change and ways to handle things, just sharing what I've learned is not very effective and being the only one with time to read has created an interesting dynamic. I am buying a book on CD so those who cannot read the information can at least understand what I'm reading and hopefully we can all get on the same page. There are many moments when I feel completely lost and I'm unable to make a decision without consulting a book. That makes me feel frustrated and dependent, which I am not comfortable with. So, I'm eager to get though the books and continue to find creative ways to remind myself of the new tools, like printed quick reference guides posted in my house, notes to myself in my phone, ear tagged pages in the books, and highlighted areas I read over and over again.
As you can tell we are in the mist of it all and although things are going really great as far as I'm concerned, its still a work in progress. I believe this decision has been the best parenting decision I've ever made and although I feel at times great regret for not automatically knowing this stuff, I am grateful to be learning more healthy ways to communicate and offering my children better ways to manage their lives. I'm completely happy I started this journey and looking forward to the future.
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