PPD or just me?

The last few weeks have been getting increasingly more difficult for me. At first I figured, it was just PMS, my Mirana, postpartum hormones balancing, or a mixture of all of these. As the weeks have gone on, I've found it more and more difficult to handle situations that come up. Its been confusing to hone in on what is causing this change.

Yesterday, a storm hit and I thought about staying home because they had tornado and flood warnings. They never seem to really happen and I think its best if I don't miss school. So, I went. The power went out for about an hour or so during that time we were upstairs in the classrooms and I started feeling super anxious, claustrophobic, and scared. I'm already petrified of thunder and felt like there was no one around me who understood what I was feeling, including myself. I asked numerous times if I could go downstairs and was told no because they wanted to account for everyone. Eventually they came to their senses and had everyone go onto the safer areas of the school. We were there for about five minutes and the lights came on. I realized that the storm was not letting up and became aware that I had to drive in this with Aaron, that my family was spread out between cities, and Ricardo and Ricky were without a vehicle if an emergency were to happen. I tried to reason with myself seeing that everyone else around me seemed to be okay with the weather and the idea of driving in it. Furthermore, seemed to be totally unaffected by everything that had gone on. Despite my attempt to calm my fears, I started to have a panic attack and all these dooms-day thoughts flooded my brain and I felt very alone and helpless. I called home to get someone to look a the radar and see if it were better to leave now or wait till the end of school. I waited about 15 minutes before my Mom got home so they could look at the map for me and they concluded that it would be better for me to leave now rather than wait. I left school, picked up Aaron, drove home. It rained lightly the drive home, nothing too bad. Which was my other fear, leaving and getting caught on the road in a terrible part of the storm and risking Aaron's safety. I cannot write in words the feeling that came over me the moment I walked through the door and realized that I was home safe and we were all together. The knot in my stomach left, my brain stopped hurting, and a couple tears of relief came out.

 I've had some challenging moments with Aaron the last couple of weeks too. I'm sure that I'm responsible for it by not being available for him emotionally due to whatever is affecting me right now. Which is even harder on him because of the baby being here and all the other changes he's been feeling lately. The last thing he needs is for me to be distracted when I'm not busy with the baby. I feel so terrible for the fact that my children are being affect too and I just realized it. Its so easy to just say oh they're going through a faze and it's all their age's fault. Don't get me wrong, there is an age factor contributing, but, my ability to handle those things with a stable state of mind and have a positive affect is in question.

I had a very long talk with Ricardo last night, I shared with him all the silly thought I've been having and my feelings about myself and whats been happening around me. I feel so foolish and silly. I feel weak and like someone who's just being dramatic and calling out for attention. I'm frustrated and mad at my inability to balance my thoughts and think clearly. I know that the way I'm seeing and analyzing things is different than reality and the way I would if I weren't hormonal. I'm positive that if I weren't going through all of this postpartum crap that I would interact differently with the people around me. I'm embarrassed and paranoid that people think ill of me and that I'm damaging myself socially. I feel like no one likes me and I'm very upset about the idea that people don't accept me. I'm not in the right state of mind to figure out if that is true or not. Frankly, its the last thing I should be worried about. I have so many thoughts running through my head that I'm just sort of running on auto-pilot. Telling myself that it will go away soon and I'll be able to make sense of it all later.

Its all becoming too much for me to handle. I keep wanting to stick my head in the sand and wait for it all to pass. I'm very embarrassed that I'm not strong enough to work through it all without reaching out for help and I'm afraid that I will be seen as a weak person for it. I'm at the point now where my family and my relationships with them are more important then my reputation and I'm done trying to go it alone.

Here is a window into my brain.......

 I'm feeling very insecure, hugely self critical, and have little in the way of positive thoughts about myself or what I do. I'm paranoid, I feel like my friends don't have time for me and that I'm on the bottom of their "friends list," I feel like people don't like me, and people are talking about me behind my back. I fear that the friendliness that people show me is fake and that I'm so naive I'll never know the difference between true people and fake fronts. I feel like people judge me. I am doubtful that I am a good mother and feel that if I didn't have Ricardo and Nick, it would be impossible to parent my babies effectively. I am distracted and have a hard time focusing on tasks and things I normally do well which really frustrates me. I fear that I'm not going to be a good hair stylist and that that the time I'm taking for school will be a waste of time and money. I'm scared I won't get a job or time to devote to further education to become a stylist that I aspire to be. I'm also afraid that everyone else sees these things too and that these thoughts are true.

I've had some of these thoughts from time to time. But, at those times, I've had the ability to talk myself out of the negativity and permanency of them. I also may not have them coming at me all at once on a steam train of destruction. I'm able to look realistically at my fears and not allow them to bother me so much. Some of those fears may be true and some I have a option to change. Others, are just downright ridiculous. I know that consciously, but, emotionally, I'm haunted by these thoughts and I hate them!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm massively confused why this is hitting my now that my son is almost four months old and for most mothers the postpartum depression is passing by now. It makes me think that it must be something else. But, I'm clueless as to what it could be. A lot of the symptoms are similar to what I went through with Aaron's postpartum. I'm not sure that I need to go on anti-depressants like I did then, but, I do need to up my exercise, Omega-3's, and take my vitamins daily. I'm going to take time to make time for my myself to write and get my thoughts out so they don't make me feel so icky as long.

I feel very exposed writing this blog. I'm not sure if anyone else relates to how I'm feeling. I hope that posting this will allow those who relate to reach out. I hope that letting this all out will help me become more aware of myself and make room for more positive thoughts to come in. I'm going to take more time to communicate to my loving support net which will allow me to recognize all of the wonderful things in my life more regularly and allow them to become the dominant thoughts. I'm looking forward to strengthening my inner dialogue and again be able to calm my fears and not allow myself to spin out and obsess over frivolous things.

This is not my identity and merely a moment in time. Something that will only stain my existence through this blog. I have piles and piles of great things in my life and am such a lucky person. I'm looking forward to getting back to the person I love being and enjoying the brain that has gifted me with great decisions and wonderful thoughts.