Tonight, I am having trouble sleeping. I thought at first it was just because my house was too warm and I was uncomfortable. So, I cooled my house down and attempted to get some shut eye. Unfortunately for me my mind is racing and for whatever reason I was too wound up to sleep, despite being exhausted... I'm feeling anxiety, restlessness, and a dash of self doubt. I'm not completely sure why I'm feeling that way. Most of the thoughts that fill my head are just exaggerated fears or negative thoughts with no real truth to them. Instead of listening to them directly I hope I can figure out what the real cause is. I know that lately I've been feeling very tied down and restricted by the level of attention that Ricky is requiring of me. I've been feeling anxious about when I will be able to start school again, which brings me to the issues with my car needing a motor rebuild and/or possibly needing to buy a new one. Things right now are defiantly not at their best, but, also not totally bad either. But, I think the real issue is that Ricardo is not home and those few hours a night that I usually have help and can take a moment for myself aren't available.
There is really no way to prepare yourself for the arrival of a new baby and what that will mean exactly. Every baby is different, life is different when they arrive, and most likely you are a bit different too. So, since I now have Ricky, I'm slowly starting to learn and adapt to the changes that have come with him. First I breast feed! Yay and woot for that!!! The road has had a few bumps, but, overall we're doing really great. (Perhaps a breastfeeding blog in the future, so I don't want to get into too much of that here). I am required to be there for him every waking minute of the day and sometimes, he asks for that. Today, was one of those days. I'm suspicious that, that is the reason I can't sleep. He did not sleep today much and maybe I need some alone time. I couldn't even put him down today, let alone for a few minutes to get something done around my house. And you know, I feel like such a complainer because I know there's mom's out there who do so much more with more kids and responsibilities that I don't have to deal with. But, I am having a hard time balancing Ricky's needs and the needs of the house. Basically, my house is a wreck. I have a bunch of partially started chores and mess piles everywhere. I do not remember Aaron being as needy and clingy as Ricky is. Ricky has a cry that goes from 0 to beyond pissed in about 3 minutes. So, that leaves very little lead time to putting him down and getting something done before he realizes that hes not in someone's arms and starts to cry.
I know that many people would say, let him cry. But, because he has colic I'm never really sure if he's in pain. I believe that he feels better in someone's arms so the idea of just letting him cry is unacceptable. Not to mention, if he cries, he builds more air in his tummy and makes it worse. So, just letting him cry out of the question for very long. I am trying to teach him how to be more confident with tummy and back play and the bumbo chair. But, its a slow process.
Well, I'm feeling my tired getting nice and strong now, so perhaps I can fall asleep?
Night!
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