I had planned on first blogging on my son's birth and all the wonderful things that came with that. But, unfortunately I've come to a place where I need to blog for my sanity and release some tension from my brain.
There is no doubt that Ricky's arrival has given me joy and happiness. I love him to the depths humans cannot imagine with our measly little brains. But, the truth of having children is that they are a huge responsibility, no matter the age, sex, or amount of help you have. The emotional weight of loving them, monitoring their health & well being, and their emotional and physical security is a huge responsibility. All of these things are the things I expected to carry choosing to be a parent, which is most of the reason why I waited so long. The part that is difficult is the rest of life that doesn't stop just because I had a baby, which would seem to be obvious. But, my main focus is on my little one... So, I am not as accepting and fluid with life's little wrenches it tends to throw.
I know that I am not the best at flowing with changes regardless of where they are coming from so I suppose acclimating to a new baby is making me a bit more sensitive. Before that I had to acclimate to having a wonderfully supportive man in my life who wants to help make my life better by supporting me and my son through my school. Which is incredible in itself, but, comes with a few down points... Like, we're broke! But hell, in Cali we wouldn't be able to make it on one income at all! I think its amazing that we get by and my son had a good Christmas by buying gifts throughout the year and buying smart. Change is change no matter what kind of happy ending it has and I have been feeling the pressure for months.
Now, I'm at a point where my independence has again been threatened by a blown head gasket, lack of money, and an available, trustworthy, and affordable mechanic to fix it. I know that I will be okay in the end, things have already started to fall into place. I'm just getting very agitated by the fact that I have to deal with it, can't go places unless I borrow a car, if its available, and the situation could have been avoided if I had money to fix my catalytic converter two months ago when I found out it was bad. That's the worst part.
So, here's the full picture.... I'm still coming to terms with being dependent on someone else financially, I am not working or going to school at the moment which makes me feel like I am not putting in as much as I should, breast feeding has me confined to sitting on my ass most of the time and I can't go anywhere without looking at my watch, my car is broken and I have to rely on others to get around, January is a busy month of Dr's appts, lunch dates, and getting ready to go back to school and I don't like asking permission to live my life. I have to though because I don't have a CAR! The topper is that I'm supposed to go back to school February 6th. If I don't have a car, I can't.... And I'll be in school for another 6 months because I'm only going to nights... It feels like its never going to end!
I do feel much better getting all of this out and organized for myself to realize that although these are frustrating times, they could be SO much worse. I knew that before I wrote this, but, couldn't see clearly how good things are really. So, even though I'm annoyed by feeling co-dependent and not having the freedom I am used to, its nice to know that there are people around me to be co-dependent on and knowing that there is a resolution and fix to all of this... I just have to be patient.
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