Alone in a crowded room…

For as long as I can remember there have always been times in my life when I've feel alone even when surrounded by people who say they support and love me. There is a length of time that I allow myself to process my thoughts and attempt to understand my feelings. I hope during this time that I will in the end realize that I was not alone at all and that I just had been dealing with something that I had to work through.

Sometimes when I walk down the path to understand my thoughts, situations, and feelings the end of the road appears just like the start and I’m not given any closure. I end up feeling like there is no understanding as to why I felt that way to begin with and worse that perhaps my feelings of loneliness were true and valid. Perhaps I there is no true understanding of a larger situation after all and maybe I am alone in the world. People say they are there for me and seem to be there in physical form, but their actions and words at times are more painful and unhelpful than not having them there to help at all. It seems like being alone IS what I am and they are really trustworthy people in sheep’s clothing. I believe it is worse to trust someone to be there for you and in the most venerable moment, have them turn around and sprinkle salt in a wound, than to not expect anything from them to begin with. There is something wrong with someone insisting they are there for you and care about you, but, when you call on that support, they only help you feel worse in the end.

I have searched for the understanding as to why certain important people in my life were not there for me, but, expected me to be there for them. I’ve searched high and low for an understanding and found the basic one,  that people have things happen to them that shape the person that they become and unfortunately because of that, aren’t always able to handle situations in their own lives in the best manor and sometimes leave innocent bystanders to pick up the pieces and hopefully heal better than they did. This conclusion and understanding has brought me though many friendships and relationships. I’ve learned over the years that everyone has something they struggle to overcome.  It also helps me better understand myself and some of the struggles I work to overcome.

Knowing that situations cause people to act a certain way helps to forgive those that act in a way that is painful to deal with. But, it does not solve the issue of feeling like no one understands me and when called on to help may end up making things more difficult, which makes me feel like I have no one in my life who will be there for me truly. I find myself getting over this feeling eventually and getting a new lease on life. But, I wonder if that is just because I cannot live in this reality for too long and survival steps in to throw some optimism in the mix and get my mind to see things differently. But, what if that’s all it is, a viewpoint? Why else would this feeling come up all the time and a revolving door of situations continue to happen when I am left to feel like I am all I have?

This feeling is a sad one and something that I hope I will eventually become used to or will stop coming up. I luckily have the strength to continue to offer myself in the hopes that I am just in a funky headspace and that the optimism is actually the reality and this is really just a moment that I cause on myself. I continue to expose myself to situations and those people who say they are there for me. I push myself to trust them and continue to give chance after chance that they are just human beings who make mistakes and perhaps I am the kind of person whom their mistakes are made on…. Whatever that means. Some people have used up all of their chances and I do not trust or expect much of them. Every great while, I will again test the waters to see what has come of them, and usually nothings has changed.

I would like to think that I am not a lost cause and that there is the hope that I will not feel like I'm the only one who thinks, feels, and understands like I do. I would assume that although everyone is different that I'm not that much more different than everyone else.

People always expect me to be the strong one who is self assured and has everything all figured out. Maybe I have that reputation because I've been failed so much I know better than to rely on people. The sad part is that regardless of how put together someone appears, they could still use a good friend or two and solid support net.... that lasts. Everyone needs to feel like they can trust someone to be there for them and not judge, gossip, or criticize. Everyone, including me needs to feel like if they have a moment when their guard is down and they take a breath that someone will be there to protect them.

Its just a shame that so many of us have been through things that keep us from really sharing our hearts and loyalties with each other. Every time this feeling comes over me, I'm reminded that it may just be true I may just be alone in this crowded room of life.