Fear

Okay, so I took the big leap. I followed my gut and am doing what I feel is my next step in life. Against my more stable and committed path I've been on. I quit my job and have no idea how long it will take me to find clients. Perhaps I'm going through some kind of psychological moment when you uproot your life like I have. Maybe this is all normal. From the sounds of my words, I probably appear to be regretting my decisions, but, I'm not. I'm just afraid.

I have totally given up all hope for a tomorrow I recognize in the hopes that I will become overwhelmingly happy in the future career or maybe just happy. I hope that in my future career I will not only have the confidence in myself that I do now, that I will have the ability to perform to the level that I expect of myself, like I do now.

I am petrified that I will not remember or retain anything. Sometimes I feel like my brain has reached its capacity and there is no room for more information. I actually feel my brain swell when new information attempts to squeeze itself in. I have a terrible memory to boot, this whole thing all rides on the idea that I can pass a few tests.... What if I can't?

I do not have any idea how to market my business. I am fully capable of doing bookkeeping and actually really looking forward to it. I just need some paying customers. Its ironic to me how many people trust me do things, but, so very few want to actually hire me. I am so worried I won't find the few customers I need, although I know that they are out there waiting.

I feel like its the first day at a new school.... Okay don't laugh, like back when I was in school. I went to new schools all time and the first day set the tone for the entire year. I could expect to be teased and I knew I would be out casted. Perhaps I did it to myself. I just want this to go better than school did my first few tries.

How am I going to do it all? There are absolutely no firm answers except that I start school in two weeks. There are so many things up in the air and my feet feel like they have joined the party. I am starting to feel a bit of pressure going into uncharted territory and feeling like I have no idea what is around any corner. I am not used to that. I have worked very hard to get control of my life back and now I've thrown it all up in the air. I suppose I'm still in control, no one else seems to be in control. I am just afraid that once everything starts falling into place, it will be scattered and unrecognizable. What if I am not happy with the outcome?

I feel fear.

I feel alive.

I feel like I'm living for me and making decisions for myself, in spite of fear.

I feel like I am facing fear. It will not keep me down this time.

Fear is powerful, but, showed up too late to ruin this one. I will be okay.