Codependency at its finest!

I feel like try as I might, nothing seems to be good enough or up to par with some invisible standard, which no one can really describe to me. But, some how I "rise above" knowing I'm doing whats right and that there are some people who directly benefit from my contributions. But, the time does come when it gets to be too much and I feel like I'm the only one who "get is". It seems so clear to me what should be happening and it never seems to.... At the end of it all I'll be the one who pick up the mess and make the best of it. All of that can really break me down. I have found some peace in knowing that regardless of the cycle, there's something special about me in that I am able to handle it all. Sure, eventually I hit a point where I need a diva moment. But, most likely its during a more sensitive time of the month and everything seems to be amplified. I have a habit of feeling like things aren't fair and thinking about how I feel more like a tool than a person.

The truth is, for whatever reason it feels good to be able to pick up the pieces after the inevitable human over site, blind optimism, manipulation, or egomaniacal tantrum spins the system out of whack. For a long time I prided myself on that ability. In my opinion, I think that's my coping mechanism built by my ego to spin an unfortunate situation into something I can handle continuously and actually be proud of.... What a brilliant and disturbing web I weave.

This cycle is unhealthy and frustrating and up till now, I've done some emotional repair work, but, nothing to directly and permanently change my part. Which also means I'm enabling these situations to occur by not removing myself. Its interesting thinking about all this because I've realized that I allow this type of thing in multiple unrelated areas of my life. Which means that I have very little in the way of healthy interactions and its more than difficult to stay healthy with the amount of negative reinforcement.

Now to brainstorm some footwork! Update to come!