Priorities vs. Expectations

The expectations I put on myself sometimes become crippling and I have a habit of taking on more than I'm able to handle without letting something fall through the cracks. Today my priorities are....

1) My son, his needs, well being, and future.
2) Myself, taking time to consider my thoughts and work though my feelings.
3) Career, keeping up with my responsibilities and efforts to move forward.
4) Myself, my emotional evolution and life's wonders 
4) Friends and Family, doing whatever is needed to support and love them, when possible.
5) Myself, my hobbies and extracurricular activities, things that take my mind off of responsibility and stress.

You'll notice that I've broken down my personal needs, I've realized that some of my needs are greater than others and not all can be put off till later or after others. But, all in all, that is the order of importance to me right now and I am not willing to sacrifice the integrity of them for anything else. Although at times its hard to keep them straight especially when I think I handle more than humanly possible.

For most of my life I have been held to a high standard of responsibility and the act of giving myself (time and attention) to others. This has given me the ability to selflessly care for others and be quite successful at it. Although, recently I've found that my priorities have gotten in the way of giving to others. At least like I used to.... My first priority, my son, takes up a lot of my life's resources. Furthermore, the addition to recognizing that I'm unable to successfully care for him unless I have myself in check, has also taken some time away.

Its difficult to say no or choose to not do something for someone because it takes up too much of my time. It seems to be to be selfish and cold, something I dont think many people would describe me as. But, it has come to that and it does cause me quite a bit of guilt. I get through it knowing that my son is better for that decision and most likely what I'm being asked to do would be enabling someone not to do something for themselves. But, that's another blog.


I am learning what I'm capable of handling meanwhile, holding everything that's important to me together. It does come with moments of guilt and feelings of inadequacy. I always believe that I "should" be able to do more. But, I've become quite aware of my limits lately. That, I'm proud of and I hope to communicate better when agreeing or becoming involved with things. Because then, I won't disappoint people with my commitments that I'm unable to follow through with.

I do hope that as my emotional needs become less intense that I'll be able to give more of myself to things not listed, like volunteering and giving more to things outside of my little patch of green. But, for now this is it! I have plenty of things to take up my time and issues to sort though, meanwhile keeping track of the business and making sure there's clean clothes and food in the fridge. I do take pride in my responsibilities and the expectation I put on myself and hope that even though I'm not able to give as much as I used to that I keep building my friendships with strong independent people who keep kicking my ass and inspiring me to do more!