Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.... 2011 or BUST!

There are so many memories and miracle moments which will make this year a momentous one. In years past, have worked through my nightmares and figuratively set to blaze, those things which made me unhappy. Over the past year, the town of pain has finally burned to its foundation. Soon last few cinders of its heat will grow cold and this phase will become a thing of my past. The ash-fall delicately encases the good memories of this year. These turning points in my adult life are special and I am honored to perceive the ash of my painful past shaping the positive outcome of this year.

One significant monument of this year is my blog! Although, at times I may not edit or proof my writing, which may make reading and comprehending my thoughts difficult. I feel quite good about the ability to express myself honestly and fully. I feel that for the most part, I've been able to share what I wanted the universe to absorb. I've succeeded in what I set out to do; use this as a release and purge in a productive way.

Another monument of this year has been the leaps and bounds the relationships with the men in my life have taken. My father and I have a shaky past and have struggled to find a common ground since my adolescence. A number significant moments have changed the course of our relationship and brought us to a unprecedented stage of bonding. I am very proud of my Dad. I am proud of me. I am grateful that we never gave up on each other although at times I'm sure he felt like I did and wanted to. My childhood memories of the father-daughter relationship doesn't seem like it was so long ago now. His visit was extremely special to Aaron and myself, he meeting Nick was a long time coming, and I am humbled and honored to say that he gave me a very special gift which started a string of moments I never thought possible between he and I. I'm blown away and deeply grateful.

The second man in my life is the father of my precious baby boy. He and I have worked very well together over this past year to co-parent Aaron. I have come to genuinely respect and care for him as the father of my son. Not just out of my love for Aaron, like in the past, but by the shared bond of Aaron as our son. This is another relationship I did not see coming to this point so soon. Although, the ultimate goal is to not have the barriers my parents had which kept me from fully enjoying my childhood and developing a trust in love and life. He as made large strides in respecting my boundaries and allowing me to show him my intentions. He loves Aaron the way a father should and I am grateful for that. I am hopeful that as Aaron gets older, he and I will continue to find ways to keep communicating and continue to work on being most healthy split-family-family that we can be for Aaron.  

There is another momentous event that has made 2010 a dream come true. I have put a large effort into my new craft, modeling. It has really helped me break out some of the shell I have built around myself over the last few years. I am personally proud of myself for the bravery it takes for me to face myself and put everything on the table. I am eager to see where I take this over the next year!

I may not have a specific moment where these can be pointed, but, I noticed a few things being put to rest during the last year. I have been working on letting go of people who are not good for me rather than holding on and hoping for the best. I've found that I am better able to stand up for what I deserve and even if it pains me, I have successfully cut bonds with those who I've needed to for self preservation and a healthier existence. I've also found that I've had a more focused appreciation for those friends who have stayed true and continue to move with me during these transformations. I am grateful to say that I have bonds that are strong enough to stand the test of my life and personality. There is also one issue that brought a great deal of pain into my life which is of course: my need for everyone to accept me and like me. Although I have not completely resolved this, I can proudly say that I have fully recognized it as well as the situations it has caused in my life, which was also monumental.

My independence has also been strengthened greatly over this past year, which was one of my goals I set out to succeed. I feel much more secure and able to stand on my own two feet, make independent decisions, and put myself and Aaron first. I haven't felt this way in years, Cali days to be precise. I am still learning to fill my new shoes and working on completely breaking off those last few training wheels over the next six months. But, overall, I am doing pretty darn'd good and eager to set sail.

I mentioned relationships a few time so far, Dad, Nick, and the consistency of friendship. But, I wanted to highlight the positive time that my relationships have evolved into. I confidently believe a number of friendships which developed over the last couple of years. People who genuinely love me for me, not who they want me to be, not by co-dependency, not by lifestyle similarities. Only by the acceptance and growth we have come to over time. Admittedly, there have been some painful losses felt this year, but, unlike in years past, those dropped pebbles caused an acceptable ripple in my social pool, rather than a wake, which I can live with! I still need to work on patience and coming to peace with my life's stage and what friendship is during that time, but, that'll happen.

I sorta feel like I've come to a plateau I have the perception to see how far I've come, but, foresee how far I still get to go! I feel like I have really put to bed the decade that was my 20's and am leaping in to my 30's with both feet in. I am looking forward to next year as through the ashes and dust, my new growth will start to blossom into the beautiful new phase of my life.


Thank you 2010 for giving some great struggles and greater achievements!