There'd be a bidding war for me at auction.....

So, for about a week, I've found myself obsessing about things that I've done wrong. They circle my mind like a ferris wheel, looping a constant reminder of all the things I've done imperfectly. I have tried to talk to myself and acknowledge the issue, figure out how I could have done things differently, and thought about a lesson I need to learn from it. I've come to the conclusion that, I don't think that is the purpose of the repetitions have, like most moments of wrong doing would call for. I'm suspicious that its just a moment of weakness my self-esteem is having, allowing my inner demons to have their way with my mind. Taking moments in time and turning them into a disturbing photo reel of destruction. Its really gotten to me the last couple of days and I'm exhausted.

After exploring the option of my mind playing tricks on me, I realize that my value is coming into play here. The looping mistakes I made were less about what I did wrong, because naturally, I will do it better next time. They were an attempt to damage my self-value and for a time, it worked. But, now realizing the situation for what it is, I can start to repair the damage.

First of all, you cannot expect for anyone to be your cheerleader in life and be there for you when you're not there for yourself. Do expect people/life to push you down and hope you never get up, if you do, they're there again waiting for a moment when you're not expecting it and push you down again. I am not someone who plays this game. I am someone who wants the best from everyone and unfortunately, gives everyone and every moment the benefit of the doubt. With that, I find myself confused and frustrated by the choices of people and conclusions of situations around me.

I have to remind myself of a few simple rules I've learned over the years.... Never expect for someone to act any certain way for me or toward me, or act the way I would in their positions, I will ultimately be disappointed. I must expect for no one to show up to anything I plan and appreciate those who do. I should not expect for things to change even if they should or someone said they would. I should not expect anyone to understand me or where I'm coming from unless they've known me for some years and made attempts to get to know me and my life during that time, even if they think they do.... I'm a complicated specimen. I should remind myself how special and unique I am and not allow anyone to make me doubt myself, for their insecurities have surely been threatened somehow and that is their defense mechanism. 


Regardless of the topic, people, dynamic, environment, or relationship, I have to remember that this world is a hard cut-throat place to live in and not everyone has been so lucky to have had my life, love, and strength to get though it. I have many scars and healing wounds that still cause me discomfort in life. This is no different than everyone else, except that sometimes it ruins people or it developed them differently from the start. Either way, I have to be more cautious and protective of what I expose myself to. My expectations of other's will be my demise and that's no fault of anyone but myself. Imperfections are what make us who we are and without them, we'd be drones. I don't want that! So, I need to embrace myself, faults and all and hope that I continue to use these outlets as a way to focus my thoughts and work through these moments.


Because, I am a shining star who does a lot of good in the world. 


Regardless of who does or doesn't see it or who does or doesn't like me because of it.