Social follies

Once I left the haven of my parent's home and started school, I felt a little different than everyone else and my insecurities were verified by the harassment and teasing that ensued on the play ground and class rooms. The typical story of being the last person picked for sports and groups for assignments. Children would make a point to make fun of my clothes or my height. When I'd get on the bus, people would make little comments and giggle, they would scoot over to the edge so I wouldn't sit next to them, every day was an anxiety nightmare. They did everything they could to set me apart from the rest of the kids and as far as I was concerned, they did a good job. There wasn't anything wrong with me except for the fact that I was so sensitive and sweet natured that I never said anything back. I just hoped that it would go away one day and everyone would get along with me and like me.

Through the bashing I was able to make a friend or two. But, commonly, they were only my friend when no one was around or they didn't have someone "cooler" to hang out with. I found myself being the back-up friend, the last resort friend, and the person who was turned to for support or help when ever those other friends went wrong. Then forgotten again once they found a new buddy or made up with whoever they were mad at. Rarely was I actually treated fairly or as an equal. And again, I never said a word. I just hoped that my loyalty and kindness would eventually be noticed and they would realize that I'm a good person, a great friend, and someone they wanted to be around.

Eventually, I made friends with someone who did enjoy my company and friendship. She did treat me with equality and respect. Although we shared a lot of things in common, the difference was she was also good at social interactions. She exposed me to lots of social gatherings and introduced me to people. I learn a lot from her and was more able to "fit in" to the norm and learned how to interact with people and be more extroverted when the situation called for it. Through our friendship and my newly found knowledge, I started making friends and breaking out of my shell.

I kept the tradition of keeping very close friends or two close to me and hang out with all the time. But, I also was able to befriend a bunch of social friends I'd hangout with here and there. It was a common phenomena to walk in a party or room and have a bunch of people yell "JENNNNNN!!!". It was a very good moment in my life and I felt so vindicated from the earlier years of just not getting it.

I coasted on this pattern of great, close friends and a large social or acquaintance network for many years.I slowly gained the love and support of many people far and wide. I submerged myself in my social network and devoted much of my time to my friendships and eventually I got to be a part of this clique of coffee drinkers. It felt almost like a support group, everyone was welcome and if you stuck around, you were in! Over time these people became a very close nit group of friends. Still today after my move of state and 6 years of not having much exposure to each other, I am still bonded to many of them and still very close to a few.

That ends my success portion of my story. After moving to a new home, I lost my footing and crumbled under the pressure of not having my friend's support, support that I had become dependent on after so many years. Being in a place different than I'm used to, I failed at making good stable friendships. I found myself in a familiar roll, being the person people only call when they need something or feeling like the back up friend when no one better, has the time. I often heard about people saying things about me behind my back and people acting friendly when they actually have zero interest in my friendship. Its a slippery slope trying to start over so late in the game. There are so many factors that come into play.... Age, children, marriage, knowing enough people already, a variety of things that make it difficult to get to know and even finding people open to new friends.

Although, I my conquests have been met with much disappointment, I have found a few very special close friends who have been there for me. I'm so very grateful for these people. I fear the life I would have if they weren't in it. When I'm crumbling under the pressures, they come in a fill the gaps a bit. Just enough for me to get back on my feet. There's comfort in knowing that I'm still lovable and can still build a strong reliable friendship. These people, few in numbers an army of support and the reminder that regardless how alone I feel at times. Its a moment and a circumstance, not me.

I suppose I should just be happy with those people who have shown their loyalty and continue to be there for me. But, I can't help but be intrigued by the missing link between myself and most people in my life today. I find very often that people aren't interested in really bonding or creating close friendships that often times it mattes less about who is around, just that someone is. I struggle to understand the concept of "friendship" based upon convenience and enabling rather than truth and bonds. I cannot help but feel frustrated at the ease people have to just let you go if you stop putting in the work or if you stop showing your face, rarely will they pickup the phone to see how you are or where you went. They call themselves friends, but show very little of that idea truly. There is a constant revolving door of people who come in and out of my life. I obsess over this missing link of understanding, the knowledge that holds the key to my social network of associates who welcome me as I am and don't stab me in the back when I leave.

Although at times I still feel like that little girl who was hated and harassed, I know that I am not that little girl. I know that am likable and lovable and there is nothing wrong with me. I say all of this to close with the fact that I am going go bury this obsession. This haunting glooming lingering feeling that I almost have it!!!

I'm letting go that its different than I understand it. I'm letting go that you say things about me when I'm not around. I'm letting go of that fact that you call me just cause you need something or can't find anyone else to talk to. I'm letting go of the people who will never accept me for me. I'm letting go of the fear that you don't care that I'm not around. I'm letting go of the hope I had for our friendship. I'm letting go of the concept that I can't find what I'm looking for. Cause its out there. This time, I'm just going to find it in a different way. There is no key.... Just a new path.