On the edge of comfort

I like to think of myself as someone who is flexible and willing to flow with things. Someone who is interested in new experiences and adventures. A person who can easily blend into new environments and with new people. Its interesting when you find that you've grown into someone different than who you thought you were and the old ways of being flexible and adventure loving have turned into a battle of the nerves and insecurities. Its almost comical to me how different I've become without even noticing.

I suppose it helps that the "new adventures" I've been exposed to in the recent years have been within my comfort zones or have been explored with someone I trust. So, in those instances I can see how I would be less able to see the raw feelings I may have had if I went into something unfamiliar and alone.

When I think about how uncomfortable I am with the outside world, it becomes some what of a challenge. I can't judge if I'm interested in it for what it is or determined to beat this feeling that I get going into it. Either way I guess it doesn't matter. My goal is to not let myself become overwhelmed with my fears and stop me from accomplishing what I set out to do. But still, I'm intrigued. When did this happen? Why didn't I notice? What else has it had an impact on?

I remember as a little girl, grown ups would be cynical toward the things I found amusing or interesting. I remember them being comfortable in there world and uninterested in what I thought were fantastic adventures! But, I never thought it would happen to me. I thought I was different and well, this... this, makes me feel like I'm more than a grown up! I'm a stubborn and ridged old person! The old lady who can't stand it when you throw her newspapers on the bushes and when you ring the door bell instead of knocking. Oh man! I've gotta do something about this!!!

In reality, I think I already am. I mean, I recognized the changes, how they were affecting me, and I haven't let it get the best of me so far. Which earns some merit, I think. This is some powerful stuff... Its been sending some really interesting thoughts to mind. Thoughts of moments when it has gotten the best of me, insecurities I haven't quite found my way through yet, and creating "what if" scenarios in my head. Its doing a very good job of helping me find good reasons why not to do the things I need to, convincing me that I can do something else that I'm more comfortable with, and basically telling me that I can't or shouldn't do it all together.

Here's the thing though, I don't care! In reality, life is not within our comfort zones. If we stay within our comfort zones we loose touch with the outside world. Which is what has happened to me. I've been doing the same thing with the same people for so long I can't remember doing anything else and I've become afraid of the outside and ultimately has created a huge gap in my life.

I lived with a very different set of objectives before. I never settled, was always moving, changing with the wind, stepping up when to new responsibilities and opportunities and moving on when a better thing came along. I had all sorts of adventures, friends, learning opportunities and stimulation, a million reason to simile and laugh, and oh man was I quick on my toes! Along with all the good stuff, there was something missing from the equation. I didn't stay places very long, I was untangible in many ways, my life was unstable and ultimately, lead to my move here. But, there were some things that were good for me then and will be good for me now. I need to reapply those in my stable and secure life now. Its somewhere in the middle that makes the most sense. So, thats what I'm going to strive for.... Adventure and Comfort Zones in Moderation!

I'm happy that this came to light with an opportunity to reengage into a more flexible and courageous person. Its come at the edge of a new transitional period for me and I hope that its a peak into what this new stage has to offer...